Arsip Kategori: feeling

Something Left Behind

Something really messed up my mind few days ago.

I met someone by chance, my senior when I was studying in college. Then we had our dinner together. He suddenly said something that really made me shock. We were talking about something that oh-not-so-important in the beginning, it’s like “things we can do when we are trapped in a traffic jam”, but then he suddenly stared right in my eyes and said:

“I put something in your heart but you didn’t even realize it”

My heart beat fast.

So fast.

I asked him what did he mean.

“See? You didn’t even understand”. Said him.

“So tell me more”, I replied.

“I put something, right in your heart, and I wish you understand, but you didn’t”.

I kept in silence. I didn’t know what to say. Not only because I still doubt of what he said, whether it’s the same of what I thought–or not, but also because I thought he didn’t really mean it.

“But now it’s over. Let’s get it over”.

“Are you joking?” I asked.

“I’m not”

“Yes, you are! You are laughing when you said it. You didn’t really mean it” I accused him.

“Everybody say so. Everybody thinks I’m joking when I tell the truth while I’m laughing”. It’s my bad.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I smiled cynical.

“I just wanted you to know by yourself. I needed you to realize it yourself. But you didn’t”

“It’s your fault to never let me know”

“I know. That’s why let’s get it over. Forget everything we have in the past”

“Do we have? What do we have?”

“Memories”

“What memories? We didn’t even have it”

“We have. Everything. Everything about us”.

“Which one? Our-jogging-moment is a memory?”

I need to confess something. I used to like him. And I was a girl who really hate to do sport. But when I knew this guy likes jogging much, no need to think twice to buy a pair of sport shoes in order to do sport with him. And the good news was, sometimes we spent our time by jogging together.

“Everything we did together, every song we sang together, every jokes we laughed together..”

I blinked my eyes many times. And I felt my tears was gonna run down. Something spread my heart. Something crossed my mind.

If only he told me the truth.

If only he knew I was feeling that way too.

If only we can easily say what we feel.

Iklan

Pilihanmu Bukanlah Aku

Ada yang lebih menyakitkan dari mendengar kabar bahwa mantan kekasih yang masih kamu sayang akan segera menikah dengan orang lain?

Ada.
Dan itu adalah, mantan kekasih yang akan segera menikah itu masih mencoba menghubungimu, mengatakan rindu dan ingin bertemu.

Oh bukan. Ternyata ada yang lebih menyakitkan. Yaitu, dia benar2 datang ke rumahmu, menemuimu. dia berbisik di telingamu, “melupakanmu adalah sulit”. Omong kosong macam apa itu? Apa kabarnya undangan yang sudah dicetak? Apa kabar tanggal pernikahan yang sudah diperhitungkan? Apa kabar ijab qabul yang sebulan lagi akan diikrarkan?

“Dia bukan pilihanku”–katamu.

Another bullshit.

“Dan pilihanmu pun bukan aku”–kataku.

Just stop these bullshits!
I let you go, dengan siapapun itu. Pilihanmu atau bukan. Karena pilihanmu pun bukan aku.

Kalah

Dan sekali lagi saya harus kalah.
Pada perasaan absurd yang ternyata tak mudah diterjemahkan oleh indera.

Dan sekali lagi saya harus kalah.
Pada situasi yang seakan tak berpihak pada saya, sama sekali.
Sekalipun saya begitu ingin lari. Kemudian sembunyi.

Lalu apa bedanya?
Menikmati kekalahan itu menyelinap perlahan dalam rasa pahit. Rasa sakit. Rasa nyeri tak berujung.

Dan adakah tempat untuk sembunyi?
Untuk sekedar menunjukkan pada orang-orang di luar sana bahwa saya baik-baik saja setelah ditinggalkan bersama luka yang masih menganga.

Just Remembering

Just remembering how much I’ve been so crazy about you. Remembering how hard I tried to chase you. How much I’ve been so desperate when everything went wrong between us.
And it was ridiculous when I realized that we’re not meant to be..

But everything is changing.

What is more pleasuring than seeing you with no distance, having silly conversation we used to talk, yelling at you while you played soccer, having our favorite food we used to love as our dinner–and I wonder you love it still. What is closer than laying next to you, watch you breathing till you fall asleep..

I wonder I can be this close to you more than we were before.

Let’s keep these things with us. Let’s be this close.

I Let You Go Because

I let you go because nothing’s worth to fight anymore. I let you go because nothing’s worth to remember. I let you go because nothing’s worth to proud. I let you go because we have nothing left but your broken promises. I let you go because you don’t even deserve my tears at all. I let you go because I finally realize that we’re not worth it. I let you go because we’re not meant to be. I let you go because there’s just too much drama you’ve created. I let you go because we both are changing. I let you go because we both never commit to stay. I let you go because I finally realize that I’m not the one and you’re not the right one. I let you go because I finally can erase every single pleasant feeling when we met for the very first time. I let you go because I can let you go without any regret feeling. I let you go because you let me to let you go that easy.

Seharusnya

Seharusnya tidak ada ragu untuk sekedar berkata “iya” atau “tidak”. Seharusnya tidak ada waktu yang kita ulur lebih lama. Seharusnya kita tidak perlu saling menunggu. Seharusnya tidak ada sekat yang membatasi kita untuk saling mengisi. Seharusnya tidak ada rindu yang berlalu dengan sia-sia. Seharusnya tidak ada tawa yang menjelma air mata. Seharusnya tidak ada celah untuk saling menyakiti meski dengan cara terhalus sekalipun. Seharusnya tidak ada sesal yang mengendap di sudut hati atas apa yang telah terlewati.

Seharusnya tidak ada kata “seharusnya”.